her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
