Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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