Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
