he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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