I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
