I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
