I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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