I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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