I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
