I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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