Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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