i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
