Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
