we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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