Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
