So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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