i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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