the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize