I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
