I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
