blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
