sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
