Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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