I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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