You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
