in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
