dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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