I faked an abortion last night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.