Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!