i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?