I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
