Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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