Got a toothbrush?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
