Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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