Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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