Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
