Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
