I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Life is so much better after having sex.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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