Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
