They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just invented taco cereal.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
