the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
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how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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