how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
