I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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