Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
