1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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