i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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