I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
