Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
