I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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