i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
