I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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