I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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