I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
