I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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