i permit you to call me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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