So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
